I do Believe In Love, I just Don't Think I Can
by wolf113
Summary: Beca had trouble growing up, a divorce ruining her perception of love,making her lose faith in it, discard it completely. But just before starting collage a small part of her still does believe in love, but she just doesn't think that she can love. That is until she met Chloe Beale. contains themes of self harm.
1. Chapter 1

I do Believe In Love, I just Don't Think I Can.

**So, I have written another BeChloe fan fiction, it is called Chasing Cars and can be found on my fix list in my profile, if anyone is interested. The idea for this story came from a quote from an unknown source that I found on tumblr, the quote inspired me to write a story around it. This may end up just being a oneshot, but I do have a few other chapters planned for it and if it goes as I plan it will be BeChloe.**

Sometimes Beca wondered why she feels like she does, what made her this way. If this is something that so many people feel so easily, why can't she. But when Beca thinks about it, when she tries hard to remember, she can understand her feelings, because, honestly, they do make sense to her.

She thinks it all started when she was eight, thats when her parents started fighting and their family wasn't perfect anymore. She didn't mind though, because her Mother told her that it was okay and that all people who loved each other fought, Beca wondered why. So through that year, that horrible year of her Parents trying so hard to say together for her, Beca decided that love was stupid, because if people in love made each other cry as much as her Parents did, what was the point?

She was nine when her Parents announced the divorce. She could still remember that day. It had been hard. She had know that things weren't okay for awhile before then, but she wasn't that kid. She wasn't like those other kids in her grade with just a mum or a dad, she didn't want to be like them. She had always thought that she would never be like them, but she became one anyway, because her parents were in 'love'. Her Parents never explained the divorce to her, so at nine years old, her view of love was bitter and hateful, she never said that word to anybody, because love was stupid.

When she was ten her mother visited her for the first time since the divorce and asked Beca if she still loved her. Beca said no, because love was stupid and went on to explain why, how people in love fought all the time and then, eventually split up. Beca's mum had gave her a sad smile and explained that she wasn't in love with Beca's father anymore and that was why they divorced, not because of love. Beca's view on love was only worsened that day, because what was the point of love it it would just go away one day?

When she was eleven her Mother died. Beca didn't cry at the funeral, Beca didn't even care anymore, she didn't love anyone, so she didn't cry. Or thats what she told herself, after the funeral she came home and cried, years of emotions spilling out. It was the night that she started to write in her journal, the one her Mother had gotten her, the day before she died, the one she told Bec ago write in because it would help. Beca wrote in that journal that night, she wrote whilst tears dripped down her face, while her mind just needed an outlet. She still had the diary, still read over what she wrote in her saddest times, because what she wrote was true.

_Today was Mothers funeral. I didn't cry, maybe I was the only person there that didn't cry. Because I can't bring myself to care anymore, everything feels numb now. My chest just feels empty, like the last part of me that felt anything died along with Mother. But don't think that I didn't cry at all, I did, after I came home. After I flung myself on my bed, when I just couldn't anymore. _

_It was the worst kind of crying, the silent kind. The one where everybody else is asleep. Where you can feel it burning in your throat and your tears feel cold against your hot cheeks. That kind where you want to scream, but you can't, because you just have to hold your breath and keep quite. The kind when breathing is hard and laborious, that kind when it finally sunk in that I had just lost the person that meant the most to me. And I need to stop being so damn emotional about it, but its two in the morning and I am still thinking about her. About how I will never be held, kissed or spoken too by my Mother and it hurts! It hurts so bad, but I have to cling onto the hurt, because when it stops i'll go numb, and that feeling is just as bad._

When Beca was fifteen she started to get bullied. She can't even remember what comment set her off, or why she even did it, because she didn't even care about the teasing, all she cared about was her music, but Beca started to cut. She cut her arms and her legs, whichever she felt like, and it helped, it honestly and truly did. Because she was just letting go, and honestly, she had been fighting cutting for years, but when she gave in it was glorious. It was her escape from the world. Watching the blood drip down her arm grounded her to the dark dark world, it made her feel alive for the first time since her mother died, it made her feel good. She had promised herself that it was just going to be the one time, but it felt so fucking good she found herself doing it a second time, and a third and a fourth…..

_I cut myself for the first time today. It didn't happen how I thought that it would be. I'd thought that when you put a blade to your skin and cut that you would be in a panic, tears streaming down your face, hyperventilating, your breath coming in short bursts and sobbing so much that it was painful. But it wasn't anything like that. I felt the cool metal on my arm and the warm feeling of blood as the metal cut apart my skin, but inside I felt calm, the calmest I have felt in as long as I can remember, it felt good._

On Becas sixteenth birthday a girl came over to talk to her. Beca felt strange, but whilst the girl walked over decided it would be nice to have a friend, the girl asked if she was new and walked away when Beca said no, the girl wasn't even embarrassed, she had just laughed and said that Beca was very unnoticeable. Beca cut twice that night, once for how much she hated herself and again for how everybody else hated her. She didn't wonder how she went from not believing in love to cutting her self out of hatred, because the transition had happened so naturally, even her Father hadn't noticed anything was wrong.

_A girl walked over to me in school today, she asked me if i was a new girl, I said no, she insulted me with a smile and left. I know I like to be left alone, but when people don't notice I'm absent, or even there it hurts, and what makes it worse it that its my own fucking fault. I'm so stupid, I hate myself so much. Everything is my fault, for isolating myself, and I know that it is stupid and pointless, but I just want somebody to notice me. They don't even have to care, they just need to notice, because maybe that would be nice for once._

Beca was seventeen when she was first asked out by a boy. His name was Jamie and he was a popular, a bratty kids that all the girl swooned over. Beca had been stood by her locker when he walked over, all confident and asked her out, using the phrase 'Hey babe, your hot, you, me, tonight at six?'. He was shocked when Beca said no, and he had told her that she would go out with him because he was the hottest guy in the school and that she was lucky that a guy like him had even asked her out. Beca had just smirked back at him and said that she didn't like him. He had slammed her back against the lockers and said that she would go out with him. Beca told him she was gay. That was the first time she ever had a black eye.

_A boy asked me out today. I said no, he tried to force me on a date with him, the only thing he really did was force me out the closet. Not that I care anyway, once I'm out of school none of those people will even remember me anymore, and I honestly don't care what anyone says about me, because I already hate myself anyway, other people hating me just proves that I am right in doing so. I have a black eye from the boy punching me though, I thought that maybe Father might have asked me about it, but he was to busy falling in love with the step monster again to notice. It will only end in disaster, love is stupid. But maybe I still believe, deep down inside, that love is real, because the way my Father looks at her seems real, maybe it is just me that cannot love….. what the fuck is wrong with me?_


	2. Chapter 2

Collage was a strange thing for Beca, she had been forced into an all girl singing group called the Barden Bella's, which took up a lot of her time, and surprisingly, made her make friends. She really liked one girl in particular, Chloe, if Beca had to chose a best friend it would be Chloe, she was really great. Another strange thing was that a boy was hitting on Beca, he worked at the radio station with her, his name was Jesse and he just wouldn't back off, but Beca found his advances funny, and he was a nice friend, that she actually enjoyed spending time with, well, a little bit of time, he got annoying. But the strangest thing of all was her lack of diary.

Beca had decided not to bring a diary, and made it her mission not to keep one anymore, she thought that maybe it would help, and it did, a little, at least she couldn't read over her depressing thoughts, at least on paper.

The Bella's made Beca feel normal, they were all really friendly, apart from Aubrey and Beca felt that, maybe, if they continued to be her friends, she could reach out to them. Looking at her wrists Beca knew that she needed help, she could no longer deluded herself, she was a bad place, and the only exists were help and death, and to her, death had always been the better option. But with the Bellas, Aubrey worked them so hard that Beca could forget about everything for those seeming hours of practise and just concentrate on the banter between the girls and the burning of her tired muscles as she struggled along with the choreography. The only bad thing about the Bellas was Aubrey Posen, the leader. she was a bitch shouting at them all and calling her names, Beca didn't like it, but she got on with it, even arguing back, which was unusual for Beca, but Aubrey annoyed her that much.

It had only been two weeks of college, four Bella practises and ten shifts in the radio station, when Beca looked down at her wrists.

_Worthless. Alt Girl. Faggot. Slut. Nobody. Alone. Idiot. Whore. Fuck Up. Useless. Bitch._

Beca realised that she had crush on Chloe after singing at some dudes party when Chloe told them that she had nodes. Beca felt something in her chest that she hadn't ever felt before, and instantly knew she was crushing, but Beca had almost anticipated that, after all she spent a lot of her time with Chloe now (She couldn't say no to that face) and knew that Chloe was different. When she was around Chloe Beca felt almost happy, well, not happy, but the closest that she figured she could. Chloe was special, and Beca didn't know why, maybe it was the way that she didn't judge her, and when she didn't want to answer a personal question Chloe would just smile and say that it was alright.

"Chloe! What happened back there, your voice didn't sound agularian at all!" Aubrey exclaimed, a slight ounce of anger in her tone. Chloe looked at her friend sadly.

"I have nodes." Chloe said it sombrely, like it was an illness that she was going to die from. This sent fear shooting through Beca's chest as she thought of losing the only real friend that she had ever had, the only person that she might even consider opening up too.

"Dude, whats nodes?" Beca asked, the concern for her friend showing in her voice.

"The rubbing together of your vocal cords at an above average rate without proper lubrication." Aubrey answered, Beca nodded, as did the rest of the bellas.

"They sit on your windpipe and they crush your dreams." Chloe added.

"Don't they hurt?" Chloe nodded sadly, Beca looked at Chloe like she was mad.

"If it hurts then why do you sing?" Beca asked.

"I love to perform!" Chloe exclaimed, Stacie nodded understandingly.

"Its like when my lady doctor told me not to have sex for six weeks but I did anyway." She added, Fat Amy looked at Chloe in disbelief.

"You should really listen to your doctor." Fat Amy exclaimed.

"The key is early diagnosis. I am living with nodes. But I am a survivor. I just have to pull back. Because I am limited. Because I have nodes." Chloe said dramatically, Beca suppressed an eye roll as not to offend her friend.

"At least its not herpes, or do you have that as well?"Fat Amy asked seriously, Beca wanted to take a picture of the look on Aubreys face.

_Worthless. Alt Girl. Faggot. Slut. Nobody. Alone. Idiot. Whore. Fuck Up. Useless. Bitch. Retard. Dyke. worthless. Alone. Stupid._

Beca realised that her crush was serious at the riff off, the way the light had reflected of Chloe's eyes made Beca want to do things that she had never even thought about before, it made Beca feel strange. So she had shook off the feeling and decided to join in with the riff off. They had just finished a round entitled 'Lady's of the eighties' and Beca was wondering what the rules to this thing were.

"Chloe?" She whispered, suddenly feeling exposed and tugged her sleeves down again, ensuring that they hadn't ridden up her arms. Chloe turned to her whilst the spinner was being spun, it would decide what category they would have to do next.

"How does this thing work?" Beca asked Chloe, who giggled a little and then replied.

"you have to sing a song that fits the category, and it has to start with the word that your cutting off the pervious team on." Beca nodded at her friend, watching as the category was chosen, it was 'songs about sex'.

"Sex?" Aubrey exclaimed. Cynthia Rose ran up and began to sing, she was quickly joined by the other Bellas.

"Na na na  
>Come on<br>Na na na na na  
>Come on, come on, come on" Beca actually felt pretty cool singing this, not as stupid as she did when singing the songs Aubrey chose. Beca looked at Chloe as she sang, watching the way her eyes sparkled as she turned and smiled at Beca, giving her a reassuring nod. Beca nearly smiled back. Nearly.<p>

"'Cause I may be bad  
>But I'm perfectly good at it<br>Sex in the air  
>I don't care, I love the smell of it<br>Sticks and stones may break my bones  
>But chains and whips excite me" Stacie was up and close, flirting with some of the trebles, Aubrey looked scandalised and Beca just rolled her eyes at the up tight leader, Stacie wasn't going to be 'treble boned' as Aubrey called it, she was just flirting.<p>

"'Cause I may be bad  
>But I'm perfectly good at it<br>Sex-" The bellas were cut off by the trebles who ran forwards and began to sing, Aubrey shot them a glare that Beca was almost jealous of. 

"Sex baby  
>Let's talk about you and me<br>Let's talk about all the good things  
>And the bad things that may be<br>Let's talk about sex  
>Alright" Stacie raised her eyebrows and smiled flirtatiously at Bumper and Donald before Aubrey pulled her away and shot glares at the 'corrupting' trebles.<p>

"Let's talk about sex  
>A little bit, a little bit<br>Let's talk about sex, baby-" Stacie cut in, singing flirtatiously at the trebles, running her hands down her body.

"Baby, all through the night  
>I'll make love to you<br>Like you want me too  
>And I-" Jesse cut Stacie off her, much to the tall girls frustration and Aubreys anger as he sang to Beca, who scoffed at him, smirking at him patronisingly, did his gaydar not work or something? <p>

"I guess it's just the woman in you  
>That brings out the man in me<br>I know I can't help myself  
>You're all in the world to me<p>

It feels like the first time  
>It feels like the very first time<br>It feels like the first time  
>It-" Beca cut off a smug Jesse with her own song, and basked in the annoyed look he gave her.<p>

"It's going down fade to Blackstreet  
>The homies got at me<br>Collab creations bump like acne  
>No doubt I put it down never slouch<br>As long as my credit could vouch  
>A dog couldn't catch me, straight up<p>

Tell me who could stop when Dre making moves  
>Attracting honeys like a magnet<br>Giving them eargasms with my mellow accent  
>Still moving this flavor with my homies Blackstreet and Teddy<br>The original rump shakers" Beca rapped, losing confidence as nobody joined in. Behind her Aubrey was shocked at the girl being able to rap, as was most of the Bellas. Turning to Chloe Aubrey hissed at her to 'hide that toner Beale'. 

"Shorty get down, good Lord  
>Baby, got 'em open up all over town<br>Strictly bitch, she don't play around  
>Cover much ground, got game by the pound" Beca began to sing and gained volume as the crowd 'oohed' at her voice and as Amy joined in, which woke up the other Bellas who also joined in. <p>

"Getting paid is a forte  
>Each and every day, true player way<br>I can't get her outta my mind  
>I think about the girl all the time<p>

I like the way you work it  
>No diggity, I got to bag it up<br>Baby

We out" Beca smiled smugly at Jesses look of shock.

"The word you started on was 'its' and the one you were meant to match was 'it' you are CUT OFF!" Aubrey was outraged and started yelling about how the rules had been changed and that the judges were 'treble corrupted', before giving up and blaming it on Beca, shouting at the girl until her throat hurt. Beca wondered how long it would be until she fucked everything up, it was going far to well for her.

_Worthless. Alt Girl. Faggot. Slut. Nobody. Alone. Idiot. Whore. Fuck Up. Useless. Bitch. Retard. Dyke. worthless. Alone. Stupid. Retard. Alt girl. Shit bag. Hollow. Numb. _

Beca fucked it all up at the semi finals, adding her own song spontaneously to the number that they were doing, to the surprise of the other girls. She knew that she shouldn't have done it, but the audience was falling asleep, and to be honest, so was she. But she paid the price for it after the performance.

As soon as they got off the stage Aubrey had grabbed Beca by her forearm, Beca had to bite her lip to stop from crying out as she felt the wounds she had inflicted begin to bleed again. As soon as they were a suitable distance from the stage, Aubrey shoved Beca in front of her.

"What the fuck was that!" She screeched at Beca, who stepped back from the screaming woman, putting up her defences and feeling the voices in her mind begin to shout. Behind Aubrey the other Bellas went 'ooooooohhhhh'. Beca snapped.

"The audience were falling asleep Aubrey! I don't know how far your head is up your arse, but if you can't see how fucking bored everyone was you must be fucking blind! I bet you haven't asked the other Bellas what they think on it have you? This is a fucking team effort Posen! Act like your a fucking leader rather than a dictator!" Aubrey glared at the shorter girl.

"I don't give a shit what the others think, because this wasn't planned, we are going to fucking lose and well never get to the finals and its all your fault you fucking piece of shit!" Aubrey yelled. Beca saw Jesse and the trebles coming of the stage and Jesse came over towards them.

"Hey, whats going on here?" He asked Aubrey, who sneered at him, Chloe out her head in her hands, she knew how this was going to end.

"Oh look Beca, your fucking treblemaker boyfriend is here to save you! How many times as he fucking trebleboned you?!" Aubrey roared, Beca was so angry she didn't even think about what she was saying.

"IM FUCKING GAY! HES NOT MY BOYFRIEND YOU BITCH!" Aubrey and the other Bellas opened and closed their mouths for a few seconds, digesting this information, as Chloe smiled at Jesse whilst he nodded and raised his eyebrows at her. After a few moments Aubrey spoke.

"You still ruined our set, and i'm telling you Mitchell, if we don't make it through….." Aubrey threatened, hate and anger dripping from her words. Beca glared back, if looks could kill, Aubrey would have been dead.

"I DONT CARE! I QUIT!" Beca yelled, storming out. She drove away in her car, not caring about if she skipped lights. Honestly, she didn't care if she made it back to Barden. The voices were louder and she hated herself, she had never felt the urge so badly, she had tried before, but now she had to. She had to do this. She could hear it floating around her mind, the words chanting in tune to her beating heart, the one that would stop soon, she could feel them flowing with her blood, the blood that would soon be spilled onto the floor as the final fluid of life would drain from her. Beca tightened her grip on the steering wheel.

She made it back to her room in Barden, but Kimmy Jin was inside, something Beca hadn't been expecting, so, promising the voices she would do it tomorrow Beca sat at her computer to make a final mix. Her final mix was not so much a mix as she usually did, but more like two songs she connected together, using the beats and melody and matching them up in a way one would not think possible for two songs that sounded so little alike. She named the file 'For Chloe To Listen to When I'm Gone', Beca didn't care about how cliche it seemed, she was going to die, Chloe might understand it. Beca liked Chloe so much, finding the contact the girl gave her comforting and feeling like she could rely on the girl was a completely new feeling to Beca. If she could love, Beca knew she would be in love with this girl. But now Chloe knew she was gay, she would be repulsed, Beca had nobody again. Finishing the mix, she pressed play to here her melancholy masterpiece.

_All around me are familiar faces  
>Worn out places, worn out faces<br>Bright and early for their daily races  
>Going nowhere, going nowhere<em>

_Their tears are filling up their glasses  
>No expression, no expression<br>Hide my head, I wanna drown my sorrow  
>No tomorrow, no tomorrow<em>

_And I find it kinda funny  
>I find it kinda sad<br>The dreams in which I'm dying  
>Are the best I've ever had<br>I find it hard to tell you  
>I find it hard to take<br>When people run in circles  
>It's a very, very mad world, mad world<em>

_Children waiting for the day they feel good  
>Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday<br>And I feel the way that every child should  
>Sit and listen, sit and listen<em>

_Went to school and I was very nervous  
>No one knew me, no one knew me<br>Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson  
>Look right through me, look right through me<em>

_And I find it kinda funny  
>I find it kinda sad<br>The dreams in which I'm dying  
>Are the best I've ever had<br>I find it hard to tell you  
>I find it hard to take<br>When people run in circles  
>It's a very, very mad world, mad world<em>

_Enlarging your world  
>Mad world<em>

_Sing me to sleep  
>Sing me to sleep<br>I'm tired and I  
>I want to go to bed<em>

_Sing me to sleep  
>Sing me to sleep<br>And then leave me alone  
>Don't try to wake me in the morning<br>'Cause I will be gone  
>Don't feel bad for me<br>I want you to know  
>Deep in the cell of my heart<br>I will feel so glad to go_

_Sing me to sleep  
>Sing me to sleep<br>I don't want to wake up  
>On my own anymore<em>

_Sing to me  
>Sing to me<br>I don't want to wake up  
>On my own anymore<em>

_Don't feel bad for me  
>I want you to know<br>Deep in the cell of my heart  
>I really want to go<em>

_There is another world  
>There is a better world<br>Well, there must be  
>Well, there must be<br>Well, there must be  
>Well, there must be<br>Well..._

_Bye bye  
>Bye bye<br>Bye.._


	3. Chapter 3

**I know that this chapter is real short, but he next chapter i going to be into third person point of view of Chloe and I wanted to put it in a separate chapter to show this more clearly. I'm not sure if I can update this before new year as I have a ton of family events up until then and I won't have much time.**

Beca wasn't sure what time she fell asleep, or when she woke. She had woken up because of the light shining in through the windows, Kimmy Jin was gone, to a club meeting probably. The first thing Beca did was check her phone out of habit, sh had a bunch of texts, all angry ones from Chloe ad Jesse who wanted to 'turn a gay girl straight through the magic of love'. Nothing from Chloe. Beca clenched her fists tightly, breathing in shallow breath as she thought about what she was about to do, her body tingling in excitement at the thought of not existing, being swallowed into the timeless oblivion of death, he existence forgotten to all but a few until those few were also swallowed into the vast expanses of the oblivion that threatened to completely over take Becas mind. But Beca fought against it, she wanted to feel death, feel her troubles slide away as the blood dripped down her arms and the bills would float her mind away.

How badly she just wanted to do it right in that moment, but she wanted to leave something tangible for Chloe, so she would understand, because as much as Beca hurt herself, she couldn't hurt Chloe. After the note Chloe would understand, Beca knew she would, she would be sad, she would be happy for Beca. She would.

So Beca took a pen and sat down, pulling a crumpled sheet of paper from the drawer of her desk, putting pen to paper Beca smiled to herself, already giddy with the thought of her soon to be death.

_Chloe, _

_Here to you, you kept me going an extra few months, you should be proud, but his sadness will last forever, Its that type, that one that always lingers, that poisons your mind and then poisons your body. But you kept me going that bit longer. See, i'd always said to myself that when I got to collage I'd be okay, y'know, it was like the light at the end of the tunnel, apart from there was no light, because nothing changed. Really it made things worse because i thought it would be better, and it was so much worse because of that, buy hey, nothing kills you like your mind right? _

_My mind is something, Its so wrong, so messed up. The thoughts I have Chloe, I don't know how i've made it this long, I can't even remember the last time I was happy. The closest Ive gotten is when I'm around you, and occasionally the Bellas, but mainly you Chloe. And living, well, surviving, with my mind for as long as I have have, I can tell you this; nothing scares me much, not the dark, not ghosts, because I know that there is always something worse, something so, so, so much worse, my mind. Its such a little bitch, y'know, my mind that is. It really sucks. Its happened so many times. When things are doing okay, and I think that maybe, just maybe, I can get better, it all goes and changes. and the voices come back and they whisper and they yell. And the worst bit is that I don't even want to out all the pieces back together again, which is good, I guess, because I know I can't, because nothing ever goes right! Nothing. And I know that sometimes we have to deal with the fact that life doesn't always go our ways and be positive and stuff but its hard to stay positive when nothing ever goes right!_

_And my mind was always of fucked up, but then I went and found a fucking razor, now my body is too, but my scars are a part of me now, I'd be lost without them, they really help. The feeling of the blood leaving, the flesh tearing, the cold of the blade, it helped, it really you'd think that when i took a blade and sliced my skin that I'd be in a panic, hot tears pouring down my face, my breath coming in short and fasts huffs as I struggle to pull oxygen into my distraught body, but no. Really, that feeling of the blade slicing my skin, splitting it apart, the smooth metal cooling my hot skin and easing the numbness in my blank mind, its when I feel calm, heck, almost content. And each scar has a story, a tale to it, but they're stories that won't ever be told, because only I know them, and well, when you read this, i'll be gone. _

_But don't think I don't cry. Because I do. Its always that kind thats silent, the worst kind. When everyone is asleep and the world is so fucking quiet, the silence is so violent. And you can feel it in our chest as it rips up through your throat and comes out your mouth as a strangled breath. The kind that tears your throat and burns your eyes with the hot burning tears that glaze them over as they stream down your cheeks. Its the kind where you want to scream, but you have no breath and you have to stay quite. The type where your breath is so laboured, that you think your going to die, because you just can't sucking that breath you are needing, because you are just so weak, so tired, so sick of life. Its the type when you realise how pointless everything is, when you realise how broken you are._

_And its always worse at night, when you have time to think, when my mind sucks me in. And when people ask you if you are okay and you just day that your fine, beers how can you tell someone that nothing is okay, that your drowning in your own mind? And even if I did tell someone, what would that do, I can't be saved, I don't want to be saved._

_But I am glad that you have spoken to me, and maybe we are even friends, I guess. And I really do like you, but I know you will understand, but I'm sorry that i'm so complicated and mess everything up. But I'm glad I met you, and I've never said that to anyone before._

_Goodbye,_

_Beca_

Once she had finished writing her note, Beca looked in her drawer again and pulled out a small black box, walking over to her bed with it and stroking it for a moment, before opening it. Inside the box was a bloodstained razor and a full tub of pain relief. Beca poured the pills into her hand and stared at them for a moment, that was when the first tear fell, she quickly ate the pills, forcing the chalky substance down her dry throat with three forceful gulps. The she took out the razor and positioned it at her wrists, ready to cut. Thats when she heard her phone go off, the song titanium ringing out meaning that it was Chloe who was ringing. Beca didn't answer, just waiting for it to end before sliding the sharp metal across her first and almost moaning at the pleasure it gave her, she quickly slit her other wrist, before feeling the pills kick in as her mind began to drift and black began to slowly take over her vision. In the darkest and furthest part of her mind Beca could hear the mmix she had made playing and smiled as she allowed oblivion to take her over and wash away her sorrows. The feeling she had now, the knowing this was it, no more suffering made Beca smile, a very gruesome sight. Her last conscious thought was of Kimmy Jins face when she would find her.

_All around me are familiar faces  
>Worn out places, worn out faces<br>Bright and early for their daily races  
>Going nowhere, going nowhere<em>

_Their tears are filling up their glasses  
>No expression, no expression<br>Hide my head, I wanna drown my sorrow  
>No tomorrow, no tomorrow<em>

_And I find it kinda funny  
>I find it kinda sad<br>The dreams in which I'm dying  
>Are the best I've ever had<br>I find it hard to tell you  
>I find it hard to take<br>When people run in circles  
>It's a very, very mad world, mad world<em>

_Children waiting for the day they feel good  
>Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday<br>And I feel the way that every child should  
>Sit and listen, sit and listen<em>

_Went to school and I was very nervous  
>No one knew me, no one knew me<br>Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson  
>Look right through me, look right through me<em>

_And I find it kinda funny  
>I find it kinda sad<br>The dreams in which I'm dying  
>Are the best I've ever had<br>I find it hard to tell you  
>I find it hard to take<br>When people run in circles  
>It's a very, very mad world, mad world<em>

_Enlarging your world  
>Mad world<em>

_Sing me to sleep  
>Sing me to sleep<br>I'm tired and I  
>I want to go to bed<em>

_Sing me to sleep  
>Sing me to sleep<br>And then leave me alone  
>Don't try to wake me in the morning<br>'Cause I will be gone  
>Don't feel bad for me<br>I want you to know  
>Deep in the cell of my heart<br>I will feel so glad to go_

_Sing me to sleep  
>Sing me to sleep<br>I don't want to wake up  
>On my own anymore<em>

_Sing to me  
>Sing to me<br>I don't want to wake up  
>On my own anymore<em>

_Don't feel bad for me  
>I want you to know<br>Deep in the cell of my heart  
>I really want to go<em>

_There is another world  
>There is a better world<br>Well, there must be  
>Well, there must be<br>Well, there must be  
>Well, there must be<br>Well..._

_Bye bye  
>Bye bye<br>Bye.._


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey Guys, I'm sorry about how long it took me to upload this chapter, its just I had a lot going on with Christmas and my family, and then writing this chapter. It also didn't help that I thought I had uploaded this on friday, which I evidently didn't. Sorry, but consider this a Christmas present, just a late one!**

**Hope you guys had great holidays (christmas, Chanukah, Diwali, or whatever you celebrate) and have a fantastic 2015!**

Chloe woke up with a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach. She checked her phone for texts from Beca, and the last night came rushing back to her. Beca adding a part to the usual set up, with no practise at all, on a stage and honestly, it was a fantastic performance. Aubrey had over reacted, Beca hadn't ruined the set, she livened it up, but of course what Aubrey says goes, no matter what Chloe actually thought, she kept quiet. It wasn't worth fighting with Aubrey over something as stupid as that, they wouldn't have won anyway, the song was over used and the competition was so strong, it was likely that the wouldn't have gotten through.

But Beca, Beca would have text Chloe when she got home, when she cooled down a little. She would have apologised in a subtle way and insult Aubrey, or have at least told Chloe that she got home okay. Did Beca get home? Was Beca okay?

Chloe felt panic build up in her chest, the feeling in her stomach growing. Quickly unlocking her phone Chloe rang Beca's number, praying that the younger girl would answer. As the phone won Chloe felt the panic take over her, Beca always answered her calls, and she knew Beca wouldn't be asleep, she always woke up early, something to do with her body clock or something.

Within the matter of a few minutes Chloe was dressed and out of her dorm, half way to Beca's. Chloe had just about managed to pull on a pair of shoes in her panic and was gathering confused stares from the students that she was sprinting past.

After only a few minutes of running Chloe reached Baker Hall, the dorm that Beca lived in, and was quickly knocking on her small friends door. As the seconds slipped by Chloe's knocking became quicker, more urgent. If Beca didn't answer something was wrong. It was a Saturday, so Beca had not got any lessons, or anywhere she would have to go, her shift at the radio station was late into the evening. Chloe waited a few seconds and knocked again, Beca didn't answer again. Chloe considered kicking the door open, but if Beca was fine she'd seem weird and seriously invasive, but if she wasn't Chloe could help her. Chloe knew that she would just have to cough up and pay for the new door, because she cared for Beca too much to even let the girl trip over without helping. Chloe was pretty sure that she was in love with the smaller girl. Shit, she was in love with her best friend.

But she kicked the door in anyway, hoping to see Beca lying peacefully in her bed. Chloe screamed at what she saw, tears springing instantly into her eyes, misting over the scene before her, adding to the haunting effect, she would have nightmares for weeks, no doubt. On the floor, in front of her bed was Beca, lying lifelessly across the floor. Her wrists had been slashed and she was lying in a steadily growing pool of blood. Chloe courses in biology and medical training taking over, the older girl rushed forwards. Quickly wrapping her scarf around Beca's wrists, Chloe stopped the bleeding as best and she could and quickly put the girls head into her lap, stroking Beca's hair lovingly as she rung for the ambulance.

The ambulance arrived quickly, paramedics rushing up to Beca's room, and carrying her away on a stretcher, Chloe following close behind. Students came out of their rooms to see what was going on and many of them told Chloe that they were sorry, at the look of anguish on the distraught girls face. Within ten minutes of ringing the ambulance, Chloe was sat in the back of one, stroking Beca's hair as the paramedics tried to help her, whispering to her, promising her that it was going to be okay when it was clearly not going to be. How Chloe desperately wanted to just sit and cry, but she knew that she had to be strong, because Beca would be okay, she had to be, Chloe couldn't live with out her best friend, and, at least for Chloe, her possible future wife. Chloe thought that forever with Beca would not be enough, but here she was now. Sat in an ambulance, with possibly minutes left with Beca. Where was that future she had envisioned going now? Where was the family she had imagined for them now? Where was their wedding she had all but planned? All flowing out from the slit wrists, a dream gone for every drop of blood, because if Beca did survive, if she did make it through, how could she be so damaged? How would she react to Chloe? How would she react to being alive?

Obviously Chloe would try, god would she try, but what if it didn't work, if Beca was to far gone. Chloe took a deep breath and shook the thoughts from her head. She concentrated on her muttering to Beca, her gentle promises of what they were going to do when Beca was all fixed up. Because what could you say to a dying girl, who literally felt like dying was the best option. A girl who was so badly damaged that she hurt herself.

But Chloe didn't think of Beca like that. Beca wasn't just another girl to Chloe, she was _Beca, _the girl Chloe was madly in love with. And Beca would be okay, it didn't matter how damaged she was, how sad she was, because Chloe would help. The older girl couldn't live without Beca, the small girl making her feel alive, she couldn't even remember how she managed before Beca. And now here she was. Sat in an ambulance, clinging to a girl, so distraught that she had pretty much no awareness of her surroundings. Chloe just sighed and carried on with her mumblings.

They were at the hospital within twenty minutes of Chloe ringing. It was a fast response, but Chloe felt it should have been faster, because Beca had lost a lot more blood during the journey to the hospital. No matter how hard the paramedics tried to stop the bleeding it continued, at a slower pace, but still bleeding. Beca needed stitches, and hospital care, quickly.

As soon as the ambulance was in one of the parking spaces, Beca was quickly taken out and was wheeled into the operating theatre, Chloe was asked to sit in a waiting room. So she did. She sat and she waited, the seconds trickling by like minutes, the minutes slowing down into hours as she waited. Waited for news, any news. But she hoped and prayed that the news would be good, that Beca would be okay. Because Chloe knew she could help Beca, she knew she was what Beca needed, or at least the closest it was possible for her to be. Because even if this was real life, even if you did only get one shot, even if lives slipped through the clutches of life like sand falls from your hand, Chloe would get her happy ending. She would get Beca. She didn't care how long it would take, how much effort she had to put in, Beca was worth it. She didn't care what Aubrey thought, Beca was special. She was more than just an 'alt girl'. Beca had thoughts and feelings and views and opinions. Beca was a person, a wondrous, misunderstood person and Chloe was in love with her. Because Chloe didn't care about the way Beca pushed people away, Chloe broke through her barriers. Chloe didn't care how Beca snapped at people when sh got annoyed, Chloe calmed her down. She was Beca's Chloe and Beca was her Beca. And thats how it would be. Because Beca had to be okay, she had to. Chloe couldn't live without her. She needed her Beca. And she didn't care that she had only known Beca for a couple of months, had only held the beautiful girls hand a few times, only felt the completion of her body that occurred when Beca embraced her twice. She dint care about that now. All she cared about was Beca making it through. Beca surviving.

She didn't care that she was acting like Beca was going to die, that there was minimal chance of her survival. She dint care that she was the girl that Aubrey would scoff at when they saw it in movies. Because she was feeling like that, she was feeling the pain that Beca had inflicted upon herself. She was feeling lost. Because thats how she would feel without Beca. She needed the younger girl, Beca was her other half, her soul mate. She couldn't even bring herself to care if Beca felt the same, because in that moment, in that small and tense waiting room, all that mattered was Beca surviving. Beca. That was all that mattered. So Chloe sat with her head in her hands and prayed. She didn't care that she didn't really believe in a God, because if there was even the slightest chance that there was, that they could save Beca, she would take it.


End file.
